peeking under

a heavy chair in my bedroom, i spotted an errant sock.  what i retrieved was, instead, a sock sized dust bunny.  so much for dignity.

one of the things about growing old is that priorities change.  you realize that you've got maybe another 10 years before your opportunities for expansion will begin to disappear behind some physical limitation, whether it's a broken part or just an empty tank.   the significance of sock bunnies is diminished.  do i care that my private space is less than tidy?  not that much.

i remember shopping in a big, fancy store in new york a couple decades ago.  i found this incredibly delicious pair of italian boots on clearance.  if i'd dreamed a perfect pair of boots, these were them.  they looked and smelled like burnt sugar, with brushed brass buttons that laced up the front.  they were a little bit sexy and a little bit prim.  i'd hungered for them my whole life, it seemed, so i grabbed like i was saving a life...i grabbed like a desperate fool.   the universe smiled its buddha smile.  they were just my size.  but they were narrow.  nothing about me is narrow.  well, i'm sorry, but, seriously...in the face of such perfection, who cares if they pinch! they were beautiful and affordable, so i crammed my shoebox shaped feet down inside them and handed over my plastic money.  wow, they hurt.  like cripplingly hurt.  they eventually looked great in my closet, gathering dust.

today, i could buy my shoes blindfolded and be perfectly happy if they looked like groundhogs on my feet.  all i care about is comfort.  my new style is most charitably called "broken in".  i barely bother to sort the darks from lights cause everything is faded to some shade of grey, anyhow.  if my hair starts to feel too hairy, i cut it off.  i've made friends with my old face and take it out in public, bare naked.  my priorities have changed.

i am humbled by my own imperfection.  my path is littered with regrets that have,  at times, walled me off from joy.  but things have changed.  finally, i tire of endlessly consuming myself.  finally i say, this body, this consciousness is only important as a vehicle by which i am able to experience the beauty of the world...define beauty how you will.

today when i went out to cora's shed, the sky was absolutely rockin' beautiful.  the early sun fell through the window onto the little blind pups in a golden slant of light...in a way that seemed too perfect to be true.  i remained still until that light faded and another filled my heart.  it felt a holy moment, meant for me to see and then to share with you.